from me to you

don’t be surprised if we hate this tomorrow;

I used to think that a lot of things could be solved if people could just listen. but now I think a lot of things could be solved if people just didn’t talk about them in the first place.

maybe it’s a function of being in the humanities programme, where everyone can and will and do speak up if things are bothering them. maybe it’s a function of being an outgoing person to keep up with the latest of who’s saying what. maybe it’s a function of being people, and needing to communicate, to reach out and hope to God you find someone who can empathise. but either way, I’ve come to realise that people talk. and not all talk helps.

at the start of the year, navigating the school, the new classmates and Stuff in general, I began to share a lot with other people, and plead-beg-demand their opinions. and as someone who can safely say that she has ‘been there, done that’, it really doesn’t help at all. it compounds the confusion. it induces indecision. the more I talk, the more I hear. the more I hear, the less I’m sure of my own opinion.

but this is not to say that I discourage people from talking to me about their issues. following the vein of my new year’s resolutions, I’ve been trying to listen more and be more available for people to talk to me. and so they have been. listening has led me to amazing people, to learn more amazing things about these amazing people and I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. I enjoy people. I enjoy the way people talk (the way you speak is srs bznz) and the things they talk about. so I’m glad that they talk to me, because I think everyone deserves someone they can talk to about serious things, and not just a million acquaintances to mindlessly chatter with.

but I’m not talking about myself to other people much anymore, and I’m trying to stave off facebook too, because space between people was meant to be there. I don’t think anyone should know everything about you.

well, unless they are the people who knew you when you were young. unless you know they love you and you know you love them. unless you could truly trust them with the truth. or else, don’t feel obliged to.

that’s how BAD i am.

“What God gives to you, give to others”. Father Pat Lagges is amazing in how lucidly he puts across the message of all these stories that we have seen so many times. Makes you wonder why you never seen all these things before. Jesus took what the Father gave him and gave it to us. He could have spent it all levitating Octopi from the sea and dashing them on Laborghini roofs. He could have spent it spinning the world the opposite way and killing all life on the planet. He could have spent it becoming a rich and powerful king. But he spent it on me. He spent it on saving me. 

That’s the message of Holy Thursday isn’t it? Jesus is asking us, “may I help you, so that you may help others?”. He’s just waiting for us to say 

Memes aside. I think it took a big kick by God to get me into the Holy Week spirit. But I made it. Hurrah. Yes, Ruth, you can be bad at math. Yes, Ruth, you can be bad at being a friend or girlfriend. Yes, Ruth, you can be bad at running a production or an RSO. Yes, Ruth, you can be bad at being a family member. Yes, Ruth, you can be bad at reading titre values, dividing by three, paying taxes, getting to class on time and eating sushi. But you cannot be a bad Christian. 

He will love you the same. Always and forever. 

I don’t want the next best thing;

1) if it’s possible to be truly happy for someone and truly supportive and truly not jealous, I am. I am. it’s amazing how sometimes life is fair, and good things go to those who truly deserve it.

2) turns out players was a good choice after all. such an amazing bunch of people with crazy ideas and half-formed dreams and true dedication. last week’s session took a toll on our good humour, but we got it back in the end. no one, not even random old men walking up to us and shouting about social responsibility, will ever get us down.

3) Ljubljana looks beautiful. I can’t waitttttt.

4) in the slow arduous process (of land reclamation, of human siltation) of coming to terms with being ordinary, it’s becoming easier and easier to be thankful for what I have, to try my best at the lot I’m given and lift the rest up to God. all around me are people with their golden, golden futures, with their Atkinsonian Ideas and Dreams and I’m just grateful to have friends like that, to just be a witness to greatness. 

Hi London. Bye London.

So, I am chronically bad at posting. Something about a million essays to write last quarter made me lazy. Which is a terrible thing because I know it is not the million essays that made me lazy. It was the gravity of the bed that made me lazy. Something which I will expound on at a later date. However, as I sit on this bed that gave me a good GPA, many good tetris scores, much last minute homework and the occassional smattering of sleep, I think it is high time to talk about that trip to London. 

Ok so the Big Ben is really big, the London Eye does look like an Eye at night, Westminster Abbey is still a religious place, Hyde Park is really a park, the Marble Arch is made of Marble and the Tower Bridge is simultaneously a tower and a bridge. Holy moley I would never have guessed. Yeah but there is something definitely awesome about seeing all the places you’ve seen/heard/listenedtoyourfamilygoon about. Some people say that it is in feeling the spirit of the place some people say it is so that you can tell people you have been there and yet others say it is a fruitless exercise to grasp at meaning having travelled thousands of miles for it and come to nothing (I might have read too much Absurdism last quarter). Well, I don’t know, I’m not nearly that dreamy/showy/nihilistic so I’m just going to go with saying that being there you don’t just see Big Big Bens, Eye-ish London Eyes, Abbey-looking Westminster, Parkish Hydes, Marble Marble Arches or Towerobridgistic Tower Bridges. You see all these places, with people. London is not awesome because it can heap grass, marble, brick or eye in the correct quantities in specific locations then make many postcards showcasing such; London is awesome because it is London. It is the big city that still clings on to its past, it is the well-connected and artsy district holding the olympics, it is the people who speak with perfect British english (and the METRIC SYSTEM) to others with heavy accents with the patience and consideration of collective Britishness. 

Then of course, it is great to see the family and friends. No kidding, it brought a tear to my eye to remember how when the world is spinning, life is running and time is passing so fast, that there is still a space and time for friendship, family, love and hope. Sounds idealistic for someone who scraped together a random assortment of friends to visit last minute, got stuffed to the gills with Chinese food and trouped around with her boyfriend to end up at the wrong theatre (LOOK BRITISH SPELLING) for Wicked. However, very, very true. As true as can be. After all, if there is one thing making us not too dreamy/showy/nihilistic, it is reminders like that that we are Blessed and we should spend time loving others the same way. 

believe the very best;

there’s no song like a disney song, yes?

1) talking with min ee has become a bit of a blessing each day. somehow it’s good to talk with someone who is strong and who is dealing with life’s crap and isn’t just whining.

2) leadership. hm. I could go off on a rant about how it is true, how leadership is about the position, how lady luck smiles always on the same few people and whoever the god of leadership is seems to favour those people too, but I won’t. not because I don’t believe - to a very large extent, actually - that leadership has become all about the position, but because I respect every leader and what they are that I will never be, because I respect sacrifice and care and always doing the right thing and not the popular thing, because I have always been for the establishment and the people it chooses. I’ve learned that leading is as easy as using what God has given to sing in front of a congregation and as difficult as listening to your friend be sad, and I’m content with being such a leader. not that I do not aspire to be more, but for now, I am content.

3) players. well, we’ll see if this becomes a decision I regret, but I really hope not. I really really hope not.

4) come morning light, you and I

will be safe and sound. 

5) also, missing someone far away is easier than missing someone you see every day.

6) today has been a really strange day. I might need someone to listen to me be sad by the end. thank goodness I have God and my parents.

tell you that I’m not that strong;

nowhere on the internet is safe enough for the things I actually want to write, but here are some other things to amuse you with:

!) JC goes into full swing on tuesday and I think everyone (or at least everyone who owns an account on a social networking site and uses it to moan and groan about their lives) is feeling the pressure the anticipation the crescendo of oh my god after these two years we’ll have to become the person we’ve been waiting our whole lives to become how will we ever get there. or at least, that’s what I’m feeling. 

@) my sister and her boyfriend are so cute. valentine’s day was meant for people like this (i.e. crazy nerds who steal each other’s computers and make jokes about how unromantic they are).

#) taking ELL might be the best decision I’ve ever made. but then again, my mum gave me a helpful nudge. as always.

$) ts!p has launched.

%) this song.

^) I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose any of you. I thought I did for a while, but then I realised that you’re all too good to me, and that you came back. even when I didn’t deserve it at all.

What SOSC has taught me.

Fall Week 1- OH NO WHY IS THERE WEEKLY RESPONSE PAPERS? A 3-POINT SCALE?! Noooooo I’ll never be able to score well! 

Result: -freaking out- 

Fall Week 2 - First response paper! Must plan for 1 hour, think for 1 hour, write in 1 hour. 

Result: 3/3 

Fall Week 3 to 5 - Must maintain that score! Must plan for 1 hour, write in 1 hour! 

Result: 3/3

Fall Week 4 to 8 - Alright, this is getting easier…plan in 0.5 hour, write in 0.5 hour. 

Result: 3/3 

Fall Week 9 - I SLEPT PAST THE LECTURE TIME! NUUUUUUUU- wait, the teacher put the slides online? :D 1 hour reading up lecture, 0.5 hour planning, 1 hour writing 

Result: 3/3 

Winter Week 1 - Back to this again? Oh well. Plan in 0.5 hour, write in 0.5 hour. 

Result: 3/3 

Winter Week 2 - The hell? I slept through lecture again! 0.5 hour reading up lecture, 0.5 hour writing. 

Result: 3/3

Winter Week 3 - Wake up with a hangover…hazily scribble down something. 

Result: 3/3 

Winter Week 4 - Wake up at 11.15am on the day it is due. CRAP, frantically write and submit at 11.45am on 5 hours of sleep. 

Result: 3/3

Winter Week 5 - What lecture? Oh nevermind. Write something random in 20 minutes.

Result: 3/3

…For a course that teaches us about the mind, it really makes no sense. 

stars look like they’re not shining;

tomorrow seems really far away at the moment, when I’m still surrounded by the debris of the holidays: my jar of sweets from london all sticky and melty, slam poems in tabs, watchmen on my bedside table. I’m resolutely not thinking of whether or not I’ll get into players, or if I’ll ace my A levels, or whether I’ll find someone in JC decent enough (or actually crazy enough) to be with me. for the moment, I am still a kid. granted, one with awkwardly long legs and a loud mouth and a computer all to herself, but still a kid who watches winnie the pooh before school starts and dances to “The Geeks Get the Girls” by American Hi-Fi any chance she gets. and I will get through JC, if not staying a kid from time to time, then at least remembering how to be one sometimes.

just watch me.

It’s been so long, it seems like yesterday.

What if? 

Life has moved along so much, I feel like I’m coming round the final bend and looking at the starting point of it all again. We try to keep going forward but sometimes it comes back. What might have been? 

What if not?

Life has gone up and down and up, I wonder if somethings didn’t happen, perhaps I would have just inverted the wave function and the things that have gone up will now be going down and vice versa. Would I have it any other way? 

What if, then? 

Life has spun around so many times, I am confused which way things originally were, perhaps events turned life up-side-down and time turned it right-side-up. Or maybe vice-versa. What has become of all this? 

funky little thing, this thing. life. funky, funny and sometimes freakish.

In the end I want to be standing at the beginning, with You.